The Commencement Address I’ve Never Been Asked to Give


OK, here’s the emes: I’ve always wanted to give a commencement address.

Never been asked.

But since the new school year is beginning, and you might know a college president who’d like to book me for next June, I thought I might share with you what I would say.

To the graduates:

I have good news and bad news, so let’s get the bad news out of the way:

No one ever has to listen to you again.

You no longer have professors paid to read whatever nonsense you cook up half an hour before the assignment is due.

Now you will have bosses, clients, and investors, who will get rid of you the minute you prove you have nothing worthwhile to say.